


Unconditionally

by Kika988



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angsty Schmoop, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-11-27
Updated: 2013-11-27
Packaged: 2018-01-02 19:52:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,452
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1060921
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kika988/pseuds/Kika988
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Castiel has emotions, and Dean isn't quite sure how to deal with them -- or even accept them.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Unconditionally

**Author's Note:**

  * For [nicari_chan](https://archiveofourown.org/users/nicari_chan/gifts), [coffeeisoxygen](https://archiveofourown.org/users/coffeeisoxygen/gifts).



> Written for nicari-chan, who gave me the prompt, and coffeeisoxygen, because she's lovely and deserves all the fic she can handle while she's under the weather! Prompt was to write a fic for Katy Perry's Unconditionally, so listening to it while reading may result in additional feels.

The first time he just barely heard it. 

“I love you,” said on a breath, more shapes than actual words as Cas fell asleep, warm against his side. Dean had frozen, but by the time he looked down, Castiel’s eyes were closed, peacefully asleep. Dean was only able to fall asleep two hours later, after convincing himself he had imagined it. 

The next time he claimed ignorance. 

It was easy to do, really, considering the circumstances. He was pretty distracted, with Castiel writhing underneath him, gasping and moaning and raising his hips to meet Dean’s every thrust. He knew Cas was getting close, as his movements grew more erratic and his breaths came quicker. Just as his eyes squeezed shut and his body tensed, he heard the words released on a groan -- “I love you.” He sucked in a breath, but when Cas’ body tightened around him, his climax overtook him and he could only hold on as the world fell away. 

A little later, when they were peeling apart to clean up, he chose to pretend he hadn’t heard it. Cas didn’t seem to be acting any differently, so maybe he had heard wrong again. He shoved to the back of his mind with everything else he didn’t like looking at, and tossed Cas a washcloth. 

After that, it was little harder. 

Cas started saying it all the time. Worriedly, before heading out on a job. Fondly, when Dean shoved away from the library table in weary disgust after hours of fruitless research. Casually, when they were putting groceries away. 

That was the one that did him in. The can Dean had been holding fell to the counter with a thump as he rounded on Cas. “Come on, man, you can’t just say shit like that.” Cas’ brow furrowed in confusion. 

“Why not?” Dean’s shoulders twitched irritably. 

“Because…” He trailed off, his mouth working as he tried to form words. “Because humans love differently than angels,” he finally said, gruffly. He gestured ambiguously as he continued. “I mean, you guys are supposed to love all humans. We don’t… we don’t do that,” he said, turning away to put away the can of beans he’d dropped. “It just doesn’t mean to us what you mean it as,” he finished lamely before turning to escape. 

Later that night he was lying in bed reading -- or trying to, since he couldn’t seem to focus -- when his bedroom door eased open, revealing Castiel standing hesitantly in the hallway. 

“Do you want me to sleep in one of the other rooms tonight?” he asked, meeting Dean’s eyes as evenly as ever. Dean swallowed hard, unable to look away. He still had the lingering, niggling worry that Cas was reading his mind with that stare, even now that he was human. 

“No -- I mean, not unless you want to,” he said, licking his lips a bit nervously. Castiel’s eyes darted down the the movement unashamedly. 

“I always prefer sleeping with you,” Cas admitted as he entered the room, closing the door behind him. “I just wasn’t sure if you were angry with me. You left very quickly earlier.” Dean’s shoulder jerked up in a shrug. 

“I’m not mad,” Dean assured him. “It was just… weird.” Castiel nodded thoughtfully as he perched on the edge of the bed. 

“Yes. Which is why I need to clarify something.” He continued as Dean watched him warily. “When I tell you I love you, I’m not saying it as an angel to a human. I’m saying it from me to you.” He turned on the bed to pin Dean with his unwavering gaze. “I loved you -- you, not a random human -- before I fell. After I fell, I discovered how different emotion feels in a human body, how it courses through you, how it can hurt…” He trailed off and shook his head. “But what matters is I still love you -- I am in love with you, Dean.” 

Dean was shaking his head minutely, eyes wide. “No, you can’t--”

“Don’t tell me what I can or cannot feel,” Cas said, voice sharp. He clenched his jaw angrily - a habit he’d picked up from Dean - before continuing. “I’m not telling you because I expect you to say it back,” he says earnestly, moving his hand slowly across the bed til his fingers tangled with Dean’s. “I say it because it’s something you deserve to hear.” 

Dean sucked in a sharp breath at that last statement, and jerked his hand away. “No,” he said bluntly, his eyes dull and hooded. “I don’t. I don’t deserve it, and I wish you wouldn’t say it.” He sat perfectly, rigidly still as Cas leaned in to press a soft kiss to his lips. 

“Fortunately, that’s not for you to decide,” he said with a small, sad smile before pulling back to slide in under the covers. 

It didn’t stop, much to Dean’s chagrin. Castiel told him he loved him at least once a day. In bed, on a hunt, over dinner, during a movie. When they were alone, or in front of Sam, or Kevin, or Charlie -- it didn’t seem to matter. Sometimes he’d say it with that deep gravelly laugh, and sometimes he’d say it low, his eyes gone all soft. Every time it felt like a lash of the whip to Dean’s heart, slowly laying it bare. 

The final straw was when Cas was helping him into bed after Dean had killed nearly an entire bottle of whiskey all on his own, trying to numb himself to the words Cas kept throwing at him. Obviously, it didn’t work. 

“It’s a good thing I love you,” Castiel grumbled as he deposited Dean on the bed. Dean suddenly went from limp and groaning to rigid and snarling. 

“I told you not to say that,” he growled, pushing himself up on the bed angrily. “Why can’t you just fucking listen?”

“I could ask you the same thing,” Castiel pointed out calmly as he knelt to remove Dean’s shoes. “I say it time and again, and you still don’t believe me. Why is that?”

“Because you shouldn’t love me,” Dean said, sounding as if the words were punched out of him. “You _can’t_. After the things I’ve done? I don’t des--”

“Dont,” Cas said, steel in his voice like Dean hadn’t heard since he’d lost his grace. When Dean looked up he could almost see the echo of a white glow in his eyes. “Don’t you _dare_ say you don’t deserve to be loved.” His fingers tightened on Dean’s shoulders. “Do you forget who pulled you out of Hell? I _saw_ what you were down there,” he said, his voice dipping down to almost a whisper. Dean flinched and closed his eyes. 

“Cas-” 

“No, look at me,” Castiel demanded, and Dean did. “Look at me when I say -- I saw you tearing into a woman’s soul, saw you work meticulously as she begged for mercy and you gave none... and I love you.” Dean had made himself meet Castiel’s gaze until the last statement, when he looked away. “Look at me,” Castiel demanded, and Dean made himself comply again. “I’ve seen you kill countless creatures, some of them innocent of any wrongdoing. I love you.” This time Dean’s eyes fell closed as if he’d been hit, but when Cas gave him a shake, he opened them again. “I saw you turn away from me, leave me for dead in a ring of holy fire, and _I love you_.” His tone was almost pleading now, as his hands fell to Dean’s face, cupping his jaw gently. “I don’t love you in spite of these things, or in ignorance of them. I love _you_ , every part of you, and nothing you can say or do can change that,” he said softly. 

Dean’s eyes were filled with terror and tears. “I don’t… what do I do with that?” he asked his voice hoarse. “How can I…”

“Just accept it,” Castiel said, leaning his forehead against Dean’s. “You don’t have to earn it, or be worthy of anything. It isn’t a possibility or a variable -- it is a fact. The sky is blue, the ocean is deep, and I love you.” Dean could only cling to Castiel as he let the words -- the _fact_ \-- soak in. He felt it settling over him like a warm blanket, but somehow didn’t feel smothered. 

Over an hour later, an hour of thinking, considering, an hour of running through everything Cas had done to him and for him, an hour of arguing with himself and fighting sleep as he shifted on the bed next to Cas, he finally spoke. “Cas? I think I love you too.”

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! Feedback is loved and appreciated :-)
> 
> To keep up with my writing and drabbles, follow me at feathers-n-freckles.tumblr.com. To see what *I* like to read, follow my fanfic rec blog at fanficbuffet.tumblr.com.


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